taking stock

I guess its a good life I'm living here. I got a good job and I genuniely enjoy what I do for a living, I have a wonderful girl who can make my day just by waking me from my deep slumber at noon to say Hi. I'm getting on with life after a fuckol time in engineering just fine.
But at a time like this when at the end of a fairly busy week i dont feel sleep coming to take me away into whatever bliss oblivion that I like to get lost in, i cant help but feel something isnt quite right around here.
I feel inert.... if thats the right word. Times like this I cant help but get nostalgic. I jut cant help think I've somehow lost the plot out here somewhere. I've reached a few milestones that I had set for myself but i think ive made some subconcious compromise in my head that I cant even get over.
I wish I could blame something but only fucking chut that i can hold to fault is myself..
A few years ago, I was all gung-ho about not letting myself become one of the "greys". you know the kind, the ones you see almost everyday around you. the ones who walk all around you, running this way and that, always in a hurry. to do whatever task is assigned to them so they can feed their families, achieve some kinda professional nirvana!
I used to travel by trains a lot... and all around me I'd see them. In their formal clothes and neat and ironed. always ready to snap at the first person to cause even a slight inconvienience. back then i used to think, 'I never wanna become like that.'
and lavda whoopiee doo... I may not be stuck in formal clothes and in a sad ass job. but I dont feel any different.
I think to myself if its this responsibility that I suddenly see myself holding thats freaking me. but the MAN in me probably doesnt wanna admit it, and yet another part of me just doesnt want to give in to the fact that I'm letting stress get to me.
what da fuck man... I used to eat stress for breakfast... so I dunno whats going wrong with me right now... blah. Maybe I'm not venting it out right. and I sure as hell dont wanna drown it in drinks and get fucked up in that habit.
Most of my grand plans to get out of the rut have had major popats happening to them and this post pretty much tell me that im close to getting desperate about the whole matter.

I look now again at other lives... way different than mine.. not necessarily better, just different. and i wish i could live that life. A life with no routine... No rules.. no obligations... no expectations.. maybe I'm asking for too much but that'd be nice....

but i got a good life and a change will affect far too many people adversely than i'd like... but I know i can change this state of affairs. maybe its time to take a strange step if not a drastic one...
question remains if i have the bollocks left for it...