Unputdownable

They don't kid around with that adjective when it comes to certain books.

There is nothing more satisfying in life ( as i know it yet) than to finish reading a book at night and realise its morning.

Just completed Ian Rankin's , 'Tooth & Nail'.

unputdownable.
aye.

taking stock

I guess its a good life I'm living here. I got a good job and I genuniely enjoy what I do for a living, I have a wonderful girl who can make my day just by waking me from my deep slumber at noon to say Hi. I'm getting on with life after a fuckol time in engineering just fine.
But at a time like this when at the end of a fairly busy week i dont feel sleep coming to take me away into whatever bliss oblivion that I like to get lost in, i cant help but feel something isnt quite right around here.
I feel inert.... if thats the right word. Times like this I cant help but get nostalgic. I jut cant help think I've somehow lost the plot out here somewhere. I've reached a few milestones that I had set for myself but i think ive made some subconcious compromise in my head that I cant even get over.
I wish I could blame something but only fucking chut that i can hold to fault is myself..
A few years ago, I was all gung-ho about not letting myself become one of the "greys". you know the kind, the ones you see almost everyday around you. the ones who walk all around you, running this way and that, always in a hurry. to do whatever task is assigned to them so they can feed their families, achieve some kinda professional nirvana!
I used to travel by trains a lot... and all around me I'd see them. In their formal clothes and neat and ironed. always ready to snap at the first person to cause even a slight inconvienience. back then i used to think, 'I never wanna become like that.'
and lavda whoopiee doo... I may not be stuck in formal clothes and in a sad ass job. but I dont feel any different.
I think to myself if its this responsibility that I suddenly see myself holding thats freaking me. but the MAN in me probably doesnt wanna admit it, and yet another part of me just doesnt want to give in to the fact that I'm letting stress get to me.
what da fuck man... I used to eat stress for breakfast... so I dunno whats going wrong with me right now... blah. Maybe I'm not venting it out right. and I sure as hell dont wanna drown it in drinks and get fucked up in that habit.
Most of my grand plans to get out of the rut have had major popats happening to them and this post pretty much tell me that im close to getting desperate about the whole matter.

I look now again at other lives... way different than mine.. not necessarily better, just different. and i wish i could live that life. A life with no routine... No rules.. no obligations... no expectations.. maybe I'm asking for too much but that'd be nice....

but i got a good life and a change will affect far too many people adversely than i'd like... but I know i can change this state of affairs. maybe its time to take a strange step if not a drastic one...
question remains if i have the bollocks left for it...

Rat race...

One of the things we getting used to in this modern high bandwidth world of ours is the access to a immeasurable quantity of wisdom from various status messages in whatever Instant messaging software you might be using.
Its come a long way since all there was to imply your present status while logged into an IM were "busy", "away", and "not at my desk".
Although some of us old schoolers still tend to resort to them , Many of the more interesting personalities among us have taken status messaging to a whole new world of creativity and imitation.
"khooni Dhobi"...!!?!?!?
"kamatur Kokila"....!!!!???!?!?
"There is sunshine right below the silver shining wheel of radiance in my inbox " ...... Right!
"Brade ka badshah, Amlette ka raja, Hamara bajaj"
which brings me to what inspires my title for the day...
" The thing about the rat race is that... even if you come first... you're still a Rat!!"
...
......
deeeeeep shit!!! aye..
deep!
....
Life update-- ( for no one in particular)
Its been busy days the last few months! Hulkat is on high gear and the week runs past me fast enough to make Asafa powell jealous, which is a good thing, i guess.
The thing about being a lukkha for a long time is, it lets you appreciate the good thing about a busy ass life. I never thought i'd say it, but I think i have a workoholic hidden somewhere inside me. yay!
So much to do as always, and only a weekend to fit it all into. but every saturday, the only thing that takes priority is sleep!
The constant struggle between the inner workholic and the inner lazybum bastard goes on...
oh well..

Puncture Pongal....

I dunno what it is about me, I suspect tyres dont like anymore. A bike puncture in the middle of the road while on my way to a most urgent appointment. A double cycle puncture in two days, and a car puncture a few days ago!!!
what traas...
The tyres are conspiring against me, i tell you...
gaah..
Happy Pongal all you Tamil Items....

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

right! so where were we...?

Spent just a little too long procrastinating this bit!
Damn! sometimes I hold so true my my descriptions its scares me. :p
FRIDAY, 30th MAY 2003!
On that wholly unremarkable day I put up my first ever blog post on shadowfax. :) Looking the difficulty im having in getting this post up im surprised I managed 3 whole years of blogging and making some amazing friends in the process and learning a lot more about myself. sigh!
Sala, if i could atleast get half the josh i had in those days into this damn blog I'd be happy.
Ive been staring at other peoples stuff for weeks now, wondering how id be like to start over again. but everytime I keep getting stuck at what to say. somehow back then it never was a problem. I think I've slowly ended up becoming what i always dreaded :p. One of the GREY PEOPLE!!!!!
brrrr..
*&%&^$^*%...
okiee, for those who never have heard my great theory of the grey people here it goes ...
Its the everyday person. The one sitting next to you in the train. staring listlessly at nothing in particular, not really looking forward to anything in life except making some money to provide for his/her family. Living on a steady routine and settled job and a fairly settled life with all the standard complications and worried within and dealing with everyday problems and not seeing anything beyond that life.
Back in my college days, I look at those eyes in the trains all around me and say to myself.. fuck this! I dont wanna end up like them. The grey people.
I wanted to be different.
Lately, I cant help but feel that all my grand plans have gone to utter waste. I wake up, go to work, come back and sleep. Sure Sangeeta is one lil bright spark in my life but apart from her, im as antisocial as a man can get. NO friends around, the ones i was so close to have all left town and are now pursuing their own dreams. good for them and im very happy for them. but yaar its so fucking boring here now!!!
Im considering getting rid of my cell phone. Dont ask why, I have no idea. But, I dont want it anymore. It feels more like a liability than an accessory. more on that later.
And the city isnt helping! I dont travel by trains anymore and somehow that feeling that im disconnected with the world around me has deepened inside me. and that disconnections is heightened by the crowds. its all so different. Right in front of my eyes, Bombay has changed!!
I dont know how many people would agree with me on this but i cant but feel that this city has changed and its changing for the worse.
For the first time ever, I'm starting to think i dont want to be here anymore!
The only reason Bombay holds on to me is because this is where my career is! for now...

hmm..
Im not really in such a gloomy mood today, but yes i have my worries and they are out for all to see. not that i ever try to hide them but there is a comfort in being able to type it all out on a webpage. where it shall lay for eternity as much as blogger.com's servers will allow it :P
and now I find why I loved blogging so much in the old days!
my own little puke page to throw all my cribs and whines into.
sigh :)
I missed this..
cheers and all that bhosada!!11
:D

Inexperience!

Its just that my perfectly normal life is starting to make me extremely restless lately. I cant seem to put a finger or what the reason might be for this mood of mine, Reminds me so much of the old days, spent staring at a wall waiting for a year to end so I could get on with my life. Back then, I used to think if i got through that phase I'd be set for life. I'd be happy and absolutely fucking A-W-E-S-O-ME!!
Right now, I'm trying to write what da fuck is going on in my head. The wholes weeks been mostly dull and boring! nothing is holding my interest long enough and if that wasn't enough, I had my folks breathing down my neck with their most valid reasons. which mostly involve Me being a dead weight at home!
They aren't wrong by any means. Any other day I wouldn't admit it but yeah! I am a dead weight. The list seems endless and the times I disappoint peoples expectations. I still wonder how I walked about with that kinda of cockiness a few years ago when I was nothing , while here I am.. Finally something and I feel worthless!
damn!! I gotta stop making excuses. so many fucking excuses and reasons!!!
Appa got one thing right.. I'm not happy.. and I can't think of any reason NOT to be!
I keep telling myself I have to achieve my goals, keep clear priorities and be the best at whatever I do. sure easy thing! but somehow, somewhere I cant help feel that I've gotten sucked into the rat race.
I got a feeling that this might be a bit of a toothing problem. So many years I've spent doing nothing. Bloody lazy lump of ass with grands plans for world domination and pataoing a nice girl and buying a bike and see the world. But here I am big shot working man in a big shot animation studio with big shot pressures on big shot movies. woo fucking hoo!!
No! I like what I do, I like how I do it and its one of those few things which makes me feel a little satisfied when I go to sleep at night. But thats it, thats all I do.. I wake,I eat , I work, I eat, I sleep! like clockwork... and I don't think I like this very much!!
Maybe all this comes down in inexperience, lazy lump used to plenty of time to do nothing suddenly finds himself with no time to do plenty of things!
Maybe someday, ( and for my own sake, someday SOON!!) I get my act together before I'm a wreck! Because this can pretty much drive me nutters!
I guess you know you're in trouble when booze doesn't help de-stress you anymore..
Oh boy! toughie ride ahead!!

Life has the most oddest way of sneaking up on us and letting us completely understand the results of our own decisions. Its upto us however to be aware of that exact moment. Silly as that may sound, its the first thing that crossed my mind as I stood stranded at a rickshaw stand on a typicaly crowded evening at Borivali station for over 20 minutes.
A rickshaw-wala had just dumped me in the middle of the street and eventually when i did catch a share rick after a bit of push and shove with 10 other office goers I realised what a great thing it is that I am cycling to work everyday.
No more jostling about with hundreds of grey's in the trains. no more waiting in line or staring into space while trying to avoid someones hair running up my nose. No traffic snarls and no train delays.
lovely.
Everyone I know, and some who think they know me all too well, laughed at me when I decided to cycle to work everyday. They said, theres no way "I" can do it. I dont have what it takes it seems. Ill quit in a weeks time and take the bus just like everyone else.
Its only been 2 months now but when they I see the surprise on their faces when they find out Im still doing it everyday, I feel so damn good. :)
A part of me always wants to tell them off.. ask them of fuck off and stop underestimating me. but its a part that isnt courageous enough ( or maybe my other part is too polite) to do anything about it.
but yes, I seem to have finally grown some pride into myself. something which has been severly lacking for a long time. A lotta times in the past Ive said to myself that ill do things my way!! and it feels great to finally begin on atleast ONE part of it.

Office life is pretty good. Still getting used to it though, its been 2 months and Im only just starting to get into some sort of comfort level among my colleagues.
If there is an issue it is that my life apart from office at this moment is pretty much non existant. With the obvious exception of Daayan :)

Something I've realised recently, and i dont know how true it is;
People, mostly are good listeners when you are having miserable time in your life and when you have nothing to say but crib. Whether this is just my imagination going overboard I dont know, but my wacked out reasoning is that it is so, because people find it good to listen to someone whos worse off than they are. Some kind of reassurance that maybe they arent as fucked up as they thought they are.

Dialogues from the Fight Club:

When people think you're dying, man . . . they really, really listen to you, instead of just . . . Instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.